#
# Table structure for table `ad_groups`
#
CREATE TABLE ad_groups (
groupid int(10) unsigned NOT NULL default '0',
groupname varchar(255) NOT NULL default '',
PRIMARY KEY (groupid),
UNIQUE KEY groupid (groupid),
KEY groupid_2 (groupid)
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `ad_groups`
#
INSERT INTO ad_groups VALUES (2,'Banner Ad (468x60)');
INSERT INTO ad_groups VALUES (3,'Skyscrapper Ad (120x400)');
INSERT INTO ad_groups VALUES (4,'Box Ad (120x70)');
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `admin_control`
#
CREATE TABLE admin_control (
approve_content char(1) default 'Y',
jotwid int(10) unsigned NOT NULL default '0',
potwid int(10) unsigned NOT NULL default '0'
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `admin_control`
#
INSERT INTO admin_control VALUES ('Y',100,104);
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `admin_login`
#
CREATE TABLE admin_login (
login varchar(50) default NULL,
password varchar(50) default NULL
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `admin_login`
#
INSERT INTO admin_login VALUES ('guest','guest');
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `ads`
#
CREATE TABLE ads (
adid int(10) unsigned NOT NULL default '0',
image varchar(50) default NULL,
url varchar(255) default NULL,
code text,
impressions int(10) unsigned default '0',
clicks int(11) default '0',
groupid int(10) unsigned default NULL,
type char(1) default NULL,
name varchar(255) default NULL,
PRIMARY KEY (adid),
UNIQUE KEY adid (adid),
KEY adid_2 (adid)
) TYPE=MyISAM COMMENT='Ads table';
#
# Dumping data for table `ads`
#
INSERT INTO ads VALUES (8,NULL,NULL,'',1,'',2,'A','FPE Banner');
INSERT INTO ads VALUES (9,NULL,NULL,'',1,'',3,'A','FPE SkyScrapper');
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `categories`
#
CREATE TABLE categories (
catid int(10) unsigned NOT NULL default '0',
category varchar(50) NOT NULL default '',
PRIMARY KEY (catid),
UNIQUE KEY catid (catid),
KEY catid_2 (catid)
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `categories`
#
INSERT INTO categories VALUES ('','Misc');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (3,'Animals');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (5,'Relationships');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (6,'Work');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (7,'People');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (8,'Computers');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (9,'Blonde');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (10,'Lawyer');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (11,'Redneck');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (12,'Sports');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (13,'Yo Mamma');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (14,'Medical');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (15,'Political');
INSERT INTO categories VALUES (16,'test');
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `emailed_jokes`
#
CREATE TABLE emailed_jokes (
sender_email varchar(255) default NULL,
friends_email varchar(255) default NULL,
jokeid int(10) unsigned default NULL
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `emailed_jokes`
#
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `joke_ratings`
#
CREATE TABLE joke_ratings (
jokeid int(10) unsigned NOT NULL default '0',
rating float(10,2) NOT NULL default '0.00',
ip varchar(50) NOT NULL default ''
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `joke_ratings`
#
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `jokes`
#
CREATE TABLE jokes (
jokeid int(10) unsigned NOT NULL default '0',
type char(1) NOT NULL default '',
joke text NOT NULL,
rating float(10,2) NOT NULL default '0.00',
date date default NULL,
title varchar(255) NOT NULL default '',
hits int(10) unsigned default '0',
catid int(10) unsigned default '0',
status char(1) default 'W',
userid int(10) unsigned default NULL,
pictype char(3) default NULL,
PRIMARY KEY (jokeid),
UNIQUE KEY jokeid (jokeid),
KEY jokeid_2 (jokeid,type,rating)
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `jokes`
#
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (27,'T','A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. \r
\n\r
\nAbout an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. \r
\n\r
\nWatching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don\'t you think it\'s time we told him he was adopted?" \r
\n\r
\n','0.00','2002-08-03','Baby Turtle',1,3,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (28,'T','A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, \r
\n"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" \r
\n\r
\nThe trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! \r
\n\r
\nLater, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, \r
\n"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" \r
\n\r
\nThe terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!" \r
\n\r
\nOn a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, \r
\n"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" \r
\n\r
\nFast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it\'d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away. \r
\n\r
\nThe lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant - \r
\n"Just because you don\'t know the answer, you don\'t have to get so upset about it!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','King of the jungle',1,3,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (29,'T','There where two snakes talking. \r
\n\r
\nThe 1st one said \'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they\'re dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?\'. \r
\n\r
\nThen the second Snake says "Why do you ask?" \r
\n\r
\nThe 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','What type of snake',1,3,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (30,'T','Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. \r
\n\r
\nHe got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. \r
\n\r
\nThe man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. \r
\n\r
\nHe sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. \r
\n\r
\nHe sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?" \r
\n\r
\nThe man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well. He can\'t get far. He was tied to a railroad beam." ','0.00','2002-08-03','Prize Goat',1,3,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (31,'T','A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" \r
\n\r
\nThe bartender walks over and see\'s the octopus and he says, "Didn\'t you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!" \r
\n\r
\nThe man say\'s to the bartender, "oh but you don\'t understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have." \r
\n\r
\nThe bartender replied back, "well I\'ll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!" \r
\n\r
\nThe bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar. \r
\n\r
\nThe octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He\'s so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks! \r
\n\r
\nThe bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more". \r
\nThis time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says "lets see him play this!" \r
\n\r
\nThe octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile. \r
\n\r
\nThe bartender shouted out " See I knew he couldn\'t play all these instruments!" \r
\n\r
\nAnd the man replies, "Just give him a few more minutes... \r
\nas soon as he figures out he can\'t have sex with it, he\'ll play it!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Octopus in the bar',1,3,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (32,'T','A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." \r
\n\r
\nThe butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog\'s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog\'s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it\'s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. \r
\n\r
\nSo, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. \r
\n\r
\nThe dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. \r
\n\r
\nAlong comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it\'s the right bus, and climbs on. \r
\n\r
\nThe butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. \r
\n\r
\nThey walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! \r
\n\r
\nThere\'s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. \r
\n\r
\nThe butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God\'s sake!" \r
\n\r
\nTo which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he\'s forgotten his key!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Smart Dog',1,3,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (33,'T','A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders. \r
\n\r
\nThe panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door. \r
\n\r
\nThe shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, "Hey, what do you think you\'re doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you\'re just going to leave?" \r
\n\r
\nThe panda bear answers calmlly, "I\'m a panda bear." The bartender says, "Yeah, so?" The panda bear replies, "Look it up," and walks out the door. \r
\n\r
\nThe bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear. \r
\n\r
\nHe reads the caption, which says, "Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves." ','0.00','2002-08-03','Panda in a bar',1,3,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (34,'T','A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. \r
\n\r
\n"Sorry, we don\'t need anyone..." they replied. \r
\n"You can\'t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!" \r
\n\r
\n"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job." \r
\n\r
\nHe was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000. \r
\n\r
\n"How in the world did you do that?" they asked. \r
\n"I told you I\'m the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!" \r
\n\r
\n"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. \r
\n"What\'s that?" he asked. \r
\n"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." \r
\n\r
\nHe was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here\'s Mr. Jone\'s and this one is Mrs. Johnson\'s." \r
\n\r
\n"That\'s good," they said, "but what\'s in those two buckets?" \r
\n\r
\n"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - \r
\nso I stopped and sold them a group policy!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Insurance salesman',1,6,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (35,'T','A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. \r
\nHe reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. \r
\nHe descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? \r
\nI promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don\'t know where I am." \r
\n\r
\nThe woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." \r
\n\r
\n"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. \r
\n"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" \r
\n\r
\n"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you\'ve not been much help so far." \r
\n\r
\nThe woman below responded, "You must be in management." \r
\n"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" \r
\n\r
\n"Well," said the woman, "you don\'t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. \r
\n\r
\nThe fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it\'s my fault!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Hot air ballon ride',1,6,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (36,'T','John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. \r
\n\r
\nBob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. \r
\n\r
\nJust then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob\'s warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. \r
\n\r
\nThe customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. \r
\n\r
\nBob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. \r
\n\r
\n"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn\'t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained. \r
\n\r
\n"Ex-Lax won\'t cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily. \r
\n\r
\n"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. \r
\n"Just look at him. He\'s afraid to cough!" ','3.00','2002-08-03','Cough cure',4,6,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (37,'T','A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: \r
\n\r
\n$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! \r
\n\r
\nWhen his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. \r
\n\r
\nShe calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! \r
\n\r
\nThe restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer\'s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, - \r
\n\r
\n"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that\'s the first time in ten years we\'ve been out of rye bread!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Unusual order',1,6,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (38,'T','A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. \r
\n\r
\nThe very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks\' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram. \r
\n\r
\n"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. \r
\n"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. \r
\n"Take your axe and go cut it down!" \r
\n\r
\nThe skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack\'s door. "I cut the tree down," said the little man. \r
\n\r
\nThe lumberjack couldn\'t believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" \r
\n\r
\n"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. \r
\n"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. \r
\n\r
\nThe little man laughed and answered back... \r
\n"Oh sure, that\'s what they call it now! ','0.00','2002-08-03','The lumberjack',1,6,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (39,'T','Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. \r
\n\r
\n"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. \'Tillie,\' he told me, \'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace\'." \r
\n\r
\n"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. \r
\n\r
\n"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, \'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.\' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably." \r
\n\r
\n"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, \'Please use this for anice funeral \'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending." \r
\n\r
\n"And the third envelope?" asked her friends. \r
\n"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, \'Please use this to buy a nice stone.\'" \r
\n\r
\nHolding her hand in the air, Tillie said... \r
\n"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring. ','0.00','2002-08-03','Funeral arrangements',1,5,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (40,'T','Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads. \r
\n\r
\nHe observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife\'s cup and said, "Sugar, sugar?" Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room. \r
\nAnother table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, "Honey, honey?" \r
\nAgain Joe thought this was good stuff. \r
\n\r
\nFinally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife\'s eyes and said, "Ham, pig?" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Romantic food',2,5,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (41,'T','An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. \r
\n"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home." \r
\n\r
\n"Why?" asked somebody from the audience. \r
\n\r
\n"I watched my wife\'s routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. \r
\n\r
\nOne day I told her, \'Honey, why don\'t you try carrying several things at once?\' \r
\n\r
\n"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. \r
\n\r
\n"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. \r
\nNow I do it in ten..." ','0.00','2002-08-03','Expert in the kitchen',1,7,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (42,'T','A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. \r
\n\r
\nThe mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. \r
\n\r
\nThe man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. \r
\n\r
\nAfter a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied... \r
\n\r
\n"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Child custody',1,5,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (43,'T','Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. \r
\n\r
\nAndy\'s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. \r
\n\r
\nAfter a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn\'t know me, what age would you say I am?" \r
\n\r
\nLooking over her carefully, Andy replied,... \r
\n"Judging from your skin, twenty; \r
\nyour hair, eighteen; \r
\nand your figure, twenty five." \r
\n\r
\n"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying... \r
\n\r
\n"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. \r
\n"I haven\'t added them up yet!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','How old am I?',1,5,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (44,'T','All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. \r
\n\r
\nOne knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade." \r
\n\r
\nThe company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. \r
\n\r
\nThinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. \r
\n\r
\nA horseman approached. It was the knight\'s best friend. \r
\n\r
\nHe yelss - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','The chastity belt',2,5,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (45,'T','An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. \r
\n\r
\nA constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" \r
\n\r
\nThey believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. \r
\n\r
\nHe died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: \r
\n\r
\nAre you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? \r
\n\r
\nThe wife put down her drink and said. . . \r
\n"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Black Magic',3,5,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (46,'T','A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" \r
\n\r
\nHe continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can\'t help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far. \r
\n\r
\nHis curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside. \r
\n\r
\nHe moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Asylum fence',1,7,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (47,'T','Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything. \r
\n\r
\nSo the next morning the first man went out. He didn\'t come back till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he killed it. \r
\n\r
\nHe said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill deer." \r
\n\r
\nSo the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him how he had killed it. \r
\n\r
\nHe said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill buffalo." \r
\n\r
\nThe next morning the third guy went out. The other two were watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he still hadn\'t returned they started getting worried. Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened. \r
\n\r
\nHe said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...and...I got hit by a train." ','0.00','2002-08-03','Hunting in the jungle',1,7,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (48,'T','This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. \r
\n\r
\nThis genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes. \r
\n\r
\n"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. The genie wasn\'t sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world. \r
\n\r
\n"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What\'s your second wish." \r
\n\r
\n"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." \r
\n\r
\n"That\'s easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish. \r
\n\r
\nThe guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind. \r
\n\r
\n"Genie," the guy said, "I can\'t think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later." \r
\n\r
\n"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can\'t escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you\'re ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp. \r
\n\r
\nThe guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. \r
\n\r
\nAfter that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio. \r
\n\r
\n"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener .... \r
\n','0.00','2002-08-03','Commercial misfortune',1,7,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (49,'T','Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. \r
\n\r
\nUpon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we\' ve decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why \r
\nyou gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?" \r
\n\r
\nThe manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed." \r
\n\r
\nBoudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?" \r
\n\r
\nThe manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, \'I don\'t know,\' you put down, \'neither do I.\' ','0.00','2002-08-03','Job interview cheat',1,7,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (50,'T','Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. \r
\nSuddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, "Roger!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply. \r
\n\r
\n"Okay Rodge," shouted Barry, "I\'m gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it \'round one of your legs and.." but before he could finish, he heard Roger call "But both my legs are broke." \r
\n\r
\nBarry suggested his arms, to which the reply was "They\'re broken too!" So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said, "You right there mate?" to which Rodger replied,"YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS........" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Idiot resuce',2,7,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (51,'T','One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. \r
\n\r
\nThe pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. \r
\nBoth appear to be blind. \r
\n\r
\nThe pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. \r
\n\r
\nAt first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. \r
\n\r
\nThe passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. \r
\n\r
\nThen the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. \r
\n\r
\nFinally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. \r
\n\r
\nUp in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren\'t going to scream, and we\'re gonna get killed! ','0.00','2002-08-03','Blind pilots',1,'','L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (52,'T','Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. \r
\n\r
\nDozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. \r
\n\r
\nThe graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." \r
\n\r
\nFresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at him. \r
\n\r
\nFresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. \r
\n\r
\nThe funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes','0.00','2002-08-03','Baking funeral',1,'','L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (53,'T','One thing that has always bugged me, and I\'m sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. \r
\n\r
\nI decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: (swallowing) \r
\n- Me: Hello \r
\n- AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T... \r
\n- Me: Is this AT&T? \r
\n- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... \r
\n- Me: This is AT&T? \r
\n- AT&T: Yes This is AT&T... \r
\n- Me: Is this AT&T? \r
\n- AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please? \r
\n- Me: May I ask who is calling? \r
\n- AT&T: This is AT&T. \r
\n- Me: OK, hold on. \r
\n\r
\nAt this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting. \r
\n\r
\n- Me: Hello? \r
\n- AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron? \r
\n- Me: May I ask who is calling please? \r
\n- AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... \r
\n- Me: Is this AT&T? \r
\n- AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... \r
\n- Me: This is AT&T? \r
\n- AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron? \r
\n- Me: Yes, is this AT&T? \r
\n- AT&T: Yes sir. \r
\n- Me: The phone company? \r
\n- AT&T: Yes sir. \r
\n- Me: I thought you said this was AT&T. \r
\n- AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company. \r
\n- Me: I already have a phone. \r
\n- AT&T: We aren\'t selling phones today Mr. Byron. \r
\n- Me: Well whatever it is, I\'m really not interested but thanks for calling. \r
\n\r
\nWhen you are not interested in something, I don\'t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I\'m really not interested," but this lady was persistent. \r
\n\r
\n- AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering. \r
\n- Me: Now, that\'s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? \r
\n- AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes \r
\n- sir, that\'s right! 24 hours a day! \r
\n- Me: 7 days a week? \r
\n- AT&T: That\'s right. \r
\n- Me: 365 days a year? \r
\n- AT&T: Yes sir. \r
\n- Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That\'s amazing! \r
\n- AT&T: We think so! \r
\n- Me: That\'s quite a sum of money! \r
\n- AT&T: Yes sir, it\'s amazing how it adds up. \r
\n- Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? \r
\n- AT&T: Excuse me? \r
\n- Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute. \r
\n- AT&T: What are you talking about? \r
\n- Me: You said you\'d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I\'m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment. \r
\n- AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn\'t mean we\'d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. \r
\n- Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn\'t you say you\'d give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T? \r
\n- AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...... \r
\n- Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you\'ll give me 10 cents a minute that I\'ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I\'ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don\'t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me. \r
\n- AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for..... \r
\n- Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please! \r
\n- AT&T: Sir, I don\'t think that is necessary. \r
\n- Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? \r
\n- AT&T: What? \r
\n- Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! \r
\n- AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold. \r
\n\r
\nSo now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I\'m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food: \r
\n\r
\n- Supervisor: Mr. Byron? \r
\n- Me: Yeth? \r
\n- Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. \r
\n- Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? \r
\n- Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is. \r
\n\r
\nI had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort. \r
\n\r
\n- Me: No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. \r
\n- Supervisor: OK, no problem, I\'ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you. \r
\n- Me: Thank you. \r
\n\r
\nI was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone. \r
\n\r
\n- AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan? \r
\n- Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I\'m an only child and I\'d really like to have a little brother... \r
\n- AT&T: (click) \r
\n','0.00','2002-08-03','Telesales',1,'','L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (54,'T','If you love something, set it free. \r
\nIf it comes back, it was and always will be yours. \r
\nIf it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. \r
\nIf, however, it just sits in your living room, \r
\nmesses up your stuff, \r
\neats your food, \r
\nuses your telephone, \r
\ntakes your money, and \r
\nnever appears to have noticed that \r
\nyou actually set it free in the first place, \r
\nYou either married it or gave birth to it! ','0.00','2002-08-03','If you love something',1,'','L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (65,'T','A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You\'ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." \r
\n\r
\nSitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. \r
\n\r
\n"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." \r
\n\r
\nThis perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. \r
\n\r
\n"There\'s one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." \r
\n\r
\nWith confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Bilingual Dog',3,3,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (66,'T','One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown. \r
\n\r
\nThen came the second half... \r
\n\r
\nFirst play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss. \r
\n\r
\nThe little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other. \r
\n\r
\n"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant. \r
\n\r
\n"I did," said the centipede. \r
\n\r
\nSecond play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss. \r
\n\r
\nBack in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede. \r
\n\r
\nThird play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss. \r
\n\r
\nBack in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?" \r
\n\r
\nThe centipede replied, "Puttin\' on my shoes!" ','4.33','2002-08-03','Animal football match',17,3,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (67,'T','A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. \r
\nWhen they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. \r
\n\r
\n"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. \r
\n"Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" \r
\n\r
\nNo sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. "But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He\'s been saying things I\'ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You\'ve got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!" \r
\n\r
\n"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?" \r
\n\r
\n"Please don\'t make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. \r
\n"I\'m so embarrassed! They\'re just too awful! You\'ve got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!" \r
\n\r
\n"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . \r
\nTell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" \r
\n\r
\nStill sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!" ','2.00','2002-08-03','The honeymoon is over',13,5,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (68,'T','A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!" \r
\n\r
\nThe wife sighs and gets him a beer. \r
\n\r
\nTen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!" \r
\n\r
\nShe looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it\'s going to start any minute!" \r
\n\r
\nThe wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you\'re going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You\'re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..." \r
\n\r
\nThe man sighs and says, "It\'s started..." ','0.00','2002-08-03','Before it starts',10,5,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (69,'T','A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. \r
\nShe sobs, "Robert doesn\'t appreciate what I do for him." \r
\n\r
\n"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding." \r
\n\r
\n"No, mother," you don\'t understand. \r
\n"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!" \r
\n\r
\n"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. \r
\n"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." \r
\n\r
\n"No, mother it wasn\'t the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket." \r
\n"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?" \r
\n\r
\n"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - \r
\n\'Prepare from a frozen state,\' so I flew to Alaska!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Turkey roll',4,7,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (70,'T','A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip. \r
\n\r
\nThe brunette said, "We should go to Mars." \r
\nThe redhead said, "We should go to the Moon." \r
\n\r
\nThe brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!" \r
\n\r
\nThe brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can\'t go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!" \r
\n\r
\nThe blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Visit the sun',6,7,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (71,'T','Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. \r
\n\r
\nThe inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" \r
\nTom says, "I would switch one train to another track." \r
\n\r
\n"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. \r
\n"I\'d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom. \r
\n\r
\n"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. \r
\n"Then," Tom continues, "I\'d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." \r
\n\r
\n"What if the phone was busy?" \r
\n"In that case," Tom argues, "I\'d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". \r
\n\r
\n"What if that had been vandalized?" \r
\n"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I\'d run into town and get my Uncle Leo." \r
\n\r
\nThis puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" \r
\n\r
\n"Because he\'s never seen a train crash!" \r
\n','4.00','2002-08-03','Signal man\'s test',5,6,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (72,'T','Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract\'s sick-leave provisions. \r
\n\r
\nOne morning at the bargaining table, the company\'s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" \r
\n\r
\nThere on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. \r
\n\r
\nThe silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. \r
\n"Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn\'t been sick!" ','2.00','2002-08-03','Calling in sick',19,6,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (73,'T','A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. \r
\n\r
\nAt the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia. \r
\n\r
\nThe devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man,and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia. \r
\n\r
\nAt that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered, \r
\n\r
\n"Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!" ','1.00','2002-08-03','Like Georgia in hell',11,'','L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (74,'T','A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I\'m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." \r
\n\r
\nThe player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?" \r
\n\r
\nThe player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" \r
\n"Did you say 4?!" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer. \r
\n\r
\nSuddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!" \r
\n','4.33','2002-08-03','Football player test',31,'','L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (75,'T','In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. \r
\nIndeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. \r
\n\r
\nShe said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" \r
\n\r
\nAnd Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah\'s Pony Stable (UPS)." \r
\n\r
\nAbraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. \r
\n\r
\nA man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham\'s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com\'s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. \r
\n\r
\nAnd lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates\' drumheads and drumsticks. \r
\n\r
\nDot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." \r
\n\r
\n"YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn\'t Al Gore after all. ','0.00','2002-08-03','History of the Internet','',8,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (76,'T','*** VIRUS ALERT *** \r
\n\r
\nIf you receive an email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. \r
\n\r
\nIt demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. \r
\nIt reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD\'s you attempt to play. \r
\n\r
\nIt will re-calibrate your refrigerator\'s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. \r
\nIt will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law\'s number. \r
\n\r
\nThis virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. \r
\nIt will drink all your beer. \r
\nIt will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. \r
\n\r
\nIts radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. \r
\nIt will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. \r
\nIt will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. \r
\n\r
\nIt will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. \r
\nIt will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change theinterpretations of key sentences. \r
\n\r
\nIf the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. \r
\n\r
\nIt will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. \r
\nIt will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. \r
\nIt will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. \r
\n\r
\nIt is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. \r
\n\r
\nThese are just a few signs of infection... ','0.00','2002-08-03','Not another virus','',8,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (77,'T','One of Microsoft Network\'s finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp. \r
\n\r
\nAt the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away. \r
\n\r
\nThe report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target. \r
\n\r
\nThe tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. \r
\n\r
\nThe end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area... \r
\n\r
\n"It\'s leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Microsoft tech drafted','',8,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (78,'T','I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard\'s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn\'t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. \r
\n\r
\nEvery color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. \r
\n\r
\nAfter over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, \r
\n\r
\n"Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this "yellow" construction paper?" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Problems printing yellow','',8,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (79,'T','An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. \r
\n\r
\nCustomer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my \r
\nhome computer." (Training stresses that we are "not the Soft-ware Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.) \r
\nTech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" \r
\nCustomer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren\'t initialized." \r
\n\r
\nTech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma\'am?" \r
\nCustomer:(proudly) "I wrote it down. \'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it\'?" \r
\nTech Support: "Er, what happened next?" \r
\nCustomer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can\'t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?" ','0.00','2002-08-03','Don\'t confuse mac\'s with PC\'s','',8,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (80,'T','For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. \r
\n\r
\nA few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. \r
\n\r
\nShe called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. \r
\n\r
\nI started to type, "Leave me alone!" \r
\n\r
\nThey both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. \r
\nI typed, "I said leave me alone!" \r
\n\r
\nThe kid got real upset. "I didn\'t do anything to it, I swear!" \r
\nIt was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. \r
\n\r
\nMe: "Don\'t touch me!" \r
\n\r
\nHer: "I\'m sorry, I didn\'t mean to hit your keys that hard." \r
\n\r
\nMe: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn\'t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. \r
\n\r
\nAfter they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class. \r
\n','0.00','2002-08-03','Computer class fun',1,8,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (81,'T','OK, let\'s consider the physical evidence. \r
\n\r
\nThe moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year. \r
\n\r
\nDo the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth\'s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway','0.00','2002-08-03','Dinosaur theory','',3,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (82,'T','An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. \r
\n\r
\nThe man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man\'s car bumper. \r
\n\r
\nThen he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." \r
\nBenny didn\'t move. \r
\n\r
\nThen he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." \r
\nStill, Benny didn\'t move. \r
\n\r
\nThen he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." \r
\nBenny just stood. \r
\n\r
\nThen the farmer nonchalantly said, \r
\n"Okay, Benny, pull." \r
\n\r
\nBenny pulled the car out of the ditch. \r
\n\r
\nThe man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. \r
\n\r
\nThe farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn\'t even try." ','0.00','2002-08-03','Horse power',1,3,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (83,'T','A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. \r
\nPlease read the following carefully. \r
\n\r
\nI regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. \r
\n\r
\nHowever, I\'m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, \r
\nthere are a few differences between us... \r
\n\r
\n1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: \r
\n"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." \r
\n\r
\n2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn\'t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. \r
\n\r
\n3. Bubba Claus\' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin\' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen\'s head now overlooks Bubba\'s fireplace. \r
\n\r
\n4. You won\'t hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you\'ll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." \r
\n\r
\n5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" \r
\nAnd you also are likely to hear Bubba\'s elves respond, "I her\'d dat!" \r
\n\r
\n6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus\' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy. \r
\n\r
\n7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It\'s a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you\'ll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. \r
\n\r
\n8. Bubba Claus doesn\'t wear a belt. If I were you, I\'d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. \r
\n\r
\n9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby\'s "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played \r
\non all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: \r
\nMark Chesnutt\'s "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd\'s "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.\'s "If You Don\'t Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It." \r
\n\r
\nSincerely Yours, \r
\nSanta Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209 ','5.00','2002-08-03','The new southern santa',11,'','L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (84,'T','Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You\'re the father of twins!" \r
\n\r
\n"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!" \r
\n\r
\nLater the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets. \r
\n\r
\n"Wow! That\'s incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation." \r
\n\r
\nAn hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the \r
\nbirth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don\'t believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" \r
\n\r
\nAfter this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...." \r
\n','0.00','2002-08-03','How many babies?','',6,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (97,'T','A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I\'m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." \r
\nThe man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn\'t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away." \r
\n\r
\nThe brother thought about it and apologized. \r
\n\r
\n"So how\'s Mom?" asked the man. \r
\n\r
\n"She\'s on the roof and won\'t come down." \r
\n','0.00','2002-08-03','Cat on the roof','',3,'L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (98,'T','A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I\'d take it and pour it into the river." \r
\nWith even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I\'d take it and pour it into the river." \r
\n\r
\nAnd finally, he cried, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I\'d take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. \r
\n\r
\nAfter a few moments, the song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: \'Shall We Gather at the River\'." \r
\n','0.00','2002-08-03','Minister for drinks','','','L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (99,'T','A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!" \r
\nThe next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" \r
\n\r
\nA third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" \r
\n\r
\nThe next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" \r
\n\r
\nAll the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn\'t have to run, he\'s got four balls." \r
\n\r
\nAfter this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!" \r
\n','0.00','2002-08-03','Scotsman at a baseball game','','','L','',NULL);
INSERT INTO jokes VALUES (100,'T','A guy just died and he\'s at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin\' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times and furrows his brow \r
\n"You know, I can\'t see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED -- you\'re in." The guy thinks for a moment. \r
\n"Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of \'em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader\'s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, \'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You\'re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!\'" St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?" \r
\n"Oh, about two minutes ago." ','0.00','2002-08-03','One good Deed','','','L','',NULL);
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `links`
#
CREATE TABLE links (
linkid int(10) unsigned NOT NULL default '0',
linkurl varchar(255) NOT NULL default '',
linktext varchar(255) NOT NULL default '',
PRIMARY KEY (linkid),
UNIQUE KEY linkid (linkid),
KEY linkid_2 (linkid)
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `links`
#
INSERT INTO links VALUES (4,'http://www.riddlespot.com/','RiddleSpot');
INSERT INTO links VALUES (3,'http://www.jokesunlimited.com/','JokesUnlimited');
INSERT INTO links VALUES (2,'http://www.jestersjokes.com/','JestersJokes');
INSERT INTO links VALUES (1,'http://www.quizarama.com/','Quizarama');
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `search_terms`
#
CREATE TABLE search_terms (
term varchar(255) default NULL,
count int(10) unsigned default '0'
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `search_terms`
#
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `sponsored_jokes`
#
CREATE TABLE sponsored_jokes (
jokeid int(10) unsigned NOT NULL default '0',
sponsorid int(10) unsigned NOT NULL default '0'
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `sponsored_jokes`
#
INSERT INTO sponsored_jokes VALUES (25,2);
INSERT INTO sponsored_jokes VALUES (129,2);
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `sponsors`
#
CREATE TABLE sponsors (
sponsorid int(10) unsigned NOT NULL default '0',
sponsorname varchar(255) NOT NULL default '',
image varchar(255) default NULL,
text varchar(255) default '0',
url varchar(255) default '0',
PRIMARY KEY (sponsorid),
UNIQUE KEY sponsorid (sponsorid),
KEY sponsorid_2 (sponsorid)
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `sponsors`
#
INSERT INTO sponsors VALUES (2,'Jokes Unlimited','2.gif','The best jokes on the net. Visit us now at JokesUnlimited.com.','http://www.jokesunlimited.com/');
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `subscribers`
#
CREATE TABLE subscribers (
emailaddress varchar(255) default NULL
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `subscribers`
#
INSERT INTO subscribers VALUES ('pault@ratty.net');
# --------------------------------------------------------
#
# Table structure for table `users`
#
CREATE TABLE users (
userid int(10) unsigned NOT NULL default '0',
login varchar(50) NOT NULL default '',
password varchar(50) NOT NULL default '',
email varchar(255) default NULL,
newsletter int(1) unsigned default NULL,
PRIMARY KEY (userid),
UNIQUE KEY userid (userid,login),
KEY userid_2 (userid,login)
) TYPE=MyISAM;
#
# Dumping data for table `users`
#
INSERT INTO users VALUES (2,'ratty','wibble','pault@ratty.net','');